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Satire: No More Children to Save The Planet


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Never mind coal, if all you pathetic breeders didn’t have children, especially straight white Christians, the world would be a better and cleaner place. Think of all the oil society will no longer consume without the need for plastic nappies to capture urine and pooh from those polluters.

Climate change is the biggest problem humanity faces today so aborting children all the way until birth should be encouraged and rewarded, rewarded with carbon credits so you can cash in and put towards solar panels on your home.

Industrialisation has seen a steady climb in CO2 from 200 parts per million (ppm) to 400 ppm, this equates to an increase in atmospheric CO2 from 0.034 percent to 0.038 percent. The proposed reduction of 20 percent of our CO2 production would result in a global atmospheric reduction of only 0.00000016 percent which is why we have to strive for 50 percent and get this global reduction down to 0.00000032 percent. Can’t you see the massive difference this will make?

The computer models are telling us we only have 10 years left to save the planet. These super-accurate models don’t even need to use sunspot activity, cosmic radiation, or the planet’s orbit to show us “The Science” of climate change. Australia needs to lead the world and ignore the fact that China is increasing CO2 emissions by 3% and India by 6%. Australia needs to do everything possible to decrease emissions and that means replacing real human babies with virtual children.

Virtual children will play with you, cuddle you, and even look like you. They will help fight overpopulation, they will cost you almost nothing to bring up and will consume no precious resources. They will be carbon neutral. Society will embrace digital children, it’s inevitable given it’s for the greater good and it’s better than forcing people to get abortions to save the planet. People went wild over handheld digital pets in the nineties so there is no reason why they wouldn’t do the same for babies. We can call them Tamagotchi Babies and get it trending on Twitter with #TamagotchiBabiesForThePlanet.

Virtual children may seem like a giant leap from where we are now, but within a few years technology will have advanced to such an extent that babies which exist in the Metaverse will be indistinct from those in the real world, just think Mark Zuckerberg will be your child’s Grand Father. As the Metaverse evolves, virtual children will be accepted and fully embraced as part of society in the Western World. One day they can be a boy and the next day a girl and during Pride Month they can wear rainbow clothes and gyrate on the breakfast bench. The Metaverse is seen as the future of the internet and will blur the line between the physical world and the digital one so why not utilise it to save the planet.  One day very soon we will be able to use high-tech gloves that will deliver tactile feedback to replicate physical sensations. This would allow someone to cuddle, feed, and play with their digital offspring as though it were a real child. It’s such a small sacrifice to make to save the planet. These virtual children will have photo-realistic faces and bodies, thanks to CGI and advanced machine learning, and would be able to recognise and respond to their parents with the help of voice analysis and facial tracking. Parents would be able to interact with them in digital environments such as a park, swimming pool, or living room and can share conversations and listen to a baby’s coo and giggle. What could be more real than a Siri-type voice simulating a baby’s ‘coo’.

If people reject digital babies then it will be necessary for a strong brave leader like Daniel Andrews to enact laws to enable authorised officers to perform pregnancy tests on men and women (remember men can have babies too) and on testing positive, these people will be taken to quarantine camps until they are ready to undergo abortions. If this becomes too problematic then implementing a false pandemic to vaccinate people and make them infertile could also be an option.

Hopefully, neither of these measures will be necessary because our next generation is so educated about the dangers of climate change that they will embrace the Tamagotchi babies because for all intent and purposes will be “real” to the next generation of parents.



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